Review: Star Wars Holiday Special

Mark Hamill …. Luke Skywalker
Harrison Ford …. Han Solo
Carrie Fisher …. Princess Leia Organa
Anthony Daniels …. C-3PO
Peter Mayhew …. ‘Chewie’ Chewbacca
James Earl Jones …. Darth Vader (voice)
Beatrice Arthur …. Ackmena
Art Carney …. Saundan
Diahann Carroll …. Mermeia Holographic Wow
Marty Balin …. Holographic Band Singer (as The Jefferson Starship)
Craig Chaquico …. Holographic Band Member (as The Jefferson Starship)
Paul Kantner …. Holographic Band Member (as The Jefferson Starship)

Harvey Korman …. Krelman/Chef Gormaanda/Amorphian instructor
Mickey Morton …. ‘Malla’ Mallatobuck
Paul Gale …. ‘Itchy’ Attichitcuk

Those of you who have read my blog know that I like bad movies, and on the occasion a bad TV show.

Sadly, this is not one of those shows. I like movies that are so bad, they make you laugh. This TV Movie is so bad, it makes your eyes bleed. Either by eyeballs rejecting the show or by you stabbing said eyeballs with a fork, it’s your choice. Either way, it’s not pretty.

Now, my siblings may claim that I’ve made them watch this horrible show. It’s lies, all lies. I’ve even hidden my copy so that I have to look around for it.

Now, you may ask, why did George Lucas let this happen to his baby? Why let something get sent to the networks to air, especially when it’s this bad. My awnser is simple, and I believe George Lucas would mimic the follows lines of Krusty from the Simpsons

They drove a dumptruck full of money up to my house! I’m not made of stone!

Believe me, this show is bad. This show makes the Ewok Adventure look like Oscar/Emmy material in comparision. It has a very small blurb on the Internet Movie Database, and if I were George Lucas, I’d be doing everything in my power to have any trace of this show destroyed, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has had the master copies destroyed..

Now the Special starts off by showing some stock Millenium Falcon/Star Destroyer action. This footage seems to be ripped right from “A New Hope”. Chewie and Han are talking, and you get treated to little nuggets of dialouge such as

Han Solo: That’s the spirit! You’ll be celebrating Life Day before you know it! Standby, here’s where we say goodbye to our unpleasant friends.

Yes, the entire show is about a Wookie Holiday known as “Life Day”. I’m figuring that since it’s a Holiday Special, it is maybe about Halloween, but I’m still confused enough to have shown my family the show during Christmas.

The intro rolls, and you are treated to Chewbacca’s Family. They all have names like “Itchy”, “Lumpy”, and “Malla”. Which one is who, I forget, because in another piece of scriptwriting GENIUS, they Wookies grunt, growl, and snort at each other. With no subtitles at *all*. I mean, I can see the screen writers right now.

Screenwriter #1: What’s the next line we should throw in?
Screenwriter #2: How about a “Grooowwwllll!”
Screenwriter #1: You sure a “Gruuunnnnt” isn’t needed here?
Screenwriter #2: No, I think the ‘Growwwll!” is the way to go.

I mean, I’m all for big Wookie schenanigans, but, alas, this is definiately well, not schenanigans. For all the audience knows, the Wookies could be making crass jokes about humans, or talking about important Galactic matters, but alas, we shall never know what.

So for the next few moments (that seem to strech out for eterenity) you get to watch Chewie’s Family do all kinds of Wookie stuff, like read newspaper, watch some Martha Stewart, and see some Chess pieces do the funky chicken.

During this especially painful stretch, you get to see Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Beatrice Arthur.

How did they end up on this trainwreck? All I have to say is that there must of been a lot of dump trucks of money making their way around Hollywood in the 1970’s.

Just when you think it doesn’t get any worse, you get to see Jefferson Starship do a musical, and a Star Wars Cartoon.

As the show starts to wrap up, Chewie and Han show up on the scene (Did I mention that Mark Hamill makes a few cameos throughout the show? We get some good oneliners from him such as

Luke Skywalker: Come on Mala, let’s see a little smile. Come on…
Malla: Waagork!
Luke Skywalker: There, that’s better. Try to enjoy your Life Day.

There had better have been fleets of Dump Trucks full of money making their way around hollywood.

So the whole gang shows up, Chewie gets reunited with his family, and Han starts hugging everyone (????). Then, in yet another bizzare twist, the wookies all the sudden are wearing Red robes and they all meet up with the main cast of Star Wars.

Here is the worst/best part of the special. You get to see/hear (if you haven’t jammed something like a knife in your ears) Carrie Fisher sing. That’s right boys and girls, Princess Leia belts out a song. To make things even worse, she belts it out to the theme of Star Wars.

Princess Leia Organa: A day that takes us through the darkness
a day that leads us into light
a day that we celebrate
the LIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHTTTT!”

This song is so truly bad, that my littlest brother has had it scarred into his brain, and if I begin singing the song, he is complelled by some Dark Forces to finish the song. He was even singing it out of the blue last Christmas. Nothing like that to put a dark cloud over Christmas.

The only thing that would make this a little better is splicing in some Simpsons where we get to hear Mark Hamill sing the “Luke, be a Jedi tonight Song”

Hamill: Luke, be a Jedi tonight!
Just be a Jedi tonight!
Hamill & Chorus: Do it for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda.
Hamill: Uh, and do it for Chewie and the Ewoks, and all the
other puppets …
Hamill & Chorus: Luke, be a Jedi tonight!

In the grand tradition of all disasters/trainrecks/and horrible mutilating accidents, you want to look away, you just can’t. Such is the legacy of “The Star Wars Holiday Special”. You want to look away, you just can’t. When the show is over, you’ve died a little inside.

So for those of you who are brave/foolish, have Apple Quicktime, and are willing to die a little inside, watch this collection of clips

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.