Something wrong with the singles today.
I’m ripping this off of the comments I made in Kelly’s blog. She makes some pretty interesting points in I Just Don’t Get It talking about the lack of dating going on in the East (and from what I’ve seen, the West). I’m posting my comments, because, well, I had planned on making a entry along these lines, and well.. I’m Lazy.
So without further ado…
1) It’s true that guys will look at a girl, and think “Can I picture myself married to her” before we even go on a date.
Don’t ask me why, it just is.
There is a catch-22 here though. Since my breakup, I’ve been doing quite a bit of dating here locally. I’m dating numerous different girls. What does this get me? I’m starting to be labeled a commitment phobe. This drives me nuts, since I’m just busy trying learn who these girls are!
2) American guys just don’t know how to flirt.
– Girls, don’t assume he’s gonna figure that you are flirting with him on his own. I don’t know if it’s just LDS, or if it’s bigger, but us american guys have to be practically be smacked up side the head with a 2×4 to know that you are interested. Which leads into point #3
3) The ratio is weighed for the guys.
– I know, I was the branch clerk. In my branch we had 70 Elders, 50 Sisters. Actually attending, 20 Elders 40 sisters.
The men can skate along, unless you are the “freaky guy” you can get plenty of girl attention, without any work. I’ve looked on some of the online websites, and it’s just as bad there. There just isn’t as many *ACTIVE* Mormon Men as there are Women. If you go to the Temple, you can witness that in pretty good contrast.
4) We are the Divorcephobes. In my mind, the single population of the Church is broken into two groups. 1) group got married at 21 for the guys and 18-19 for the girls. They grabbed the first available person and got married FAST (2 week engagement, not even through twitterpation, etc) and decide this person wasn’t for them.
2) Second group has watched our parents/family members and friends get married, then divorced. No way we are going to let that happen. So we just wait for that “ONE” person, who was destined for you since the premortal life.
[Addition]
Leigh made a comments saying
Totally see it about the lack of dating. Our stake president (who has several single daughters ranging in age from 29 to 22) has actually said that YSA need to stop “hanging out”. Hanging out isn’t getting anyone anywhere. Stop hanging out and start dating!! Hanging out is indefinite and non-committal; dating is finding out who someone is and if there is potential, if not, you move on. But everyone has been “hanging out” for so long now that when a person starts dating around like you are doing, he is labeled a player or committment-phobe, as you have said. Yeah, catch-22 is right.
And as Erin and Juli say in A Single Thought about Duty Free Dating:
Duty-Free Dating, or “DFD” as it is sometimes known among researchers who study the phenomenon, is the practice of flirting, consorting, investigating, and fraternizing continuously in a public place with a member of the opposite sex with little to no follow up or commitment. The instigator of this device, or the aggressor, or predator, frequently tends to be male, although exceptions in nature have been found. The female is generally more timid and less aggressive in instances of DFD. She tends to be a naïve participant and propagator of DFD. While she may create Duty-Free Dating environments (Sunday night group dinners), she did not invent DFD.
What can I say, these three women know what they are talking about. It’s yet another point as to what’s going wrong.
[/Addition]
I don’t know what the answer is, besides smacking the guys up side the head and getting them to date.
Of course, I could talk about the frustrations a guy has with girls, but I’ll save that for later 😉
This is just a side comment on the first part of your post (so, really, about someone else’s post…Kelly?). Hope it makes sense: Totally see it about the lack of dating. Our stake president (who has several single daughters ranging in age from 29 to 22) has actually said that YSA need to stop “hanging out”. Hanging out isn’t getting anyone anywhere. Stop hanging out and start dating!! Hanging out is indefinite and non-committal; dating is finding out who someone is and if there is potential, if not, you move on. But everyone has been “hanging out” for so long now that when a person starts dating around like you are doing, he is labeled a player or committment-phobe, as you have said. Yeah, catch-22 is right.
I actually attended church in the same Ward building as Kelly, and my experience coincides with hers.
I thought it was a Boston thing, but it only makes sense that this is a universal thing.
My solution has been to date non-members, which, in a way, I know is a waste of time, as I want to marry in the temple, but some times a girl just doesn’t want to be alone on a Friday night (like this one!!).
I don’t personally have a problem with hanging out, though. It’s fun, not to mention fellowship, both of which are pretty important.
I don’t really have a solution, other than *try* to be patient.
I’m not sure I’m willing to let girls off the hook as much as you. I think it just might be the woman’s over-analytical nature that might have brought this whole non-dating thing on in the first place. Let me put it this way: A girl gets asked out on a date. Great, right? Except that the girl, and all of the girl’s friends, have started planning the pair’s wedding before the date even begins. It’s the nature of the singles ward beast. Rumors start flying, bets start being placed to the date of engagement… LOL. Guys know this, and are rightfully frightened by it. I think that many girls (NOT ALL) need to accept dating (we’re talking dating here, not “courtship”) as being more SIMPLE.
Ok, I’m done. Off the soapbox.
Oh, I have to agree. I currently have a side conversation going on with Kelly about this. Guys freak when girls do that. I know, I freak when they do that.
It’s like a big ole pressure cooker.
Two of my problems with the females are
1) Those dang lists they have you make in Girls Camp. You know that list that lists the perfect mate. It’s like 15 lines long. If I were that guy, I’d be translated already. No one is that perfect.
As I troll around some of the single sites, I find girls with those lists, and they are insane.
2) What I like to call “Flavor-o-the-week”. One of the lead girls (I don’t know how they get picked, but there are a few in each ward) will start to focus on one of the guys in the ward. Soon, *every* girl is pining for the guy. The object of affection changes about every month.
I just don’t understand. >:)
Well, I think you have hit the nail right on the nose.
When I first moved into our singles ward, our Bishop was the king of activities and building the community of single members in the area. It was great! No matter what night it was, there was something going on. I think this led to a lot of “duty free dating”. Guys knew that if they liked a girl, they were very likely to see her at least twice a week (at church on Sunday and then at some activity).
With our current Bishop, things are very different. We have activities, but they are at a much lower pace than they were a couple of years ago. Our bishop openly talks to ward members about dating, specifically to the men in the ward. He’s even gone so far as to help patch up relationships or try to find where things went wrong. He’s a good guy.
My Branch President is starting to head that way, though he’s stumbling along the way.
A while ago, he said he’d pay for half of the cost for an activity if the guys would take the girls out to the activity (it was a $$ event).
Needless to say, that went over like a bunch of lead ballons with the girls.
Well, I don’t know exactly what I am going to comment here, but I can say this:
I did get everything that was on my list that I made before I got married, but I had to date a multitude of young men to find him. I do think that you have to really decide what is important and what the tie breakers are, but I think it can be done.
I also think that group dating is a good thing. That’s how i met most of my “real” dates and was able to show my real personality without being nervous. (although, I am very outgoing)
I guess that’s all I have to say.
Melanie..
Group dating and hanging out are two different things now.
I went on a date this weekend, with a girl from Orem, and it’s just as bad up there.
Alot of it has to do with the fact that there are just so many active girls. Us guys don’t have to work for any attention. It’s pretty sad