Smart Mormon Women
In my copious amounts of spare time I was reading some of Redlaw’s blog when I saw a link to Miss Nemisis’s blog. Along with her blog, was her mans blog (how’s that for blog tag?). I took a gander, and found a very interesting article.
There are gems all over the place in this article..
In a preview entitled “What’s a modern girl to do,” Dowd cites a 2005 report by British researchers finding that the higher a woman’s IQ, the less chance she had of having a family. The reverse was true for men.
So the thing that bothers me the most, girls acting like they are ditzy (girls I *know* are smart) is a defense mechinism? A way to attract guys? Since us guys don’t want someone who can beat us at scrabble?
I’m fine with a girl beating me at scrabble. Now pop culture Trivial Pursuit. Well, I don’t have to worry about a girl beating me there…
Never to fear though, later on in the article it says.
While some BYU-Idaho women do experience problems with intimidated men, many Latter-day Saint men desire to marry intelligent women. Their support for educating women does not wane. Actually at BYU-I, it flourishes.
Alas, they never really interview a guy, they just talk to a dad who has a bunch of girls…
Hmmmmmm.
According to Looking Out, Looking In, a book that explores interpersonal communication, while humans like to be around talented people, there are differences between men and women. Studies suggest that women are impressed by people who seem completely competent, whereas men need to see some human flaws.
Anyone find this true?
And finally
He said that naturally men like females who are dependent. Men want to be needed. Women who don’t need them intimidate them.
So basically, us men like our damsels in distress.
Or our damsels who look like they are in distress.
Or act like it.
Well, I admit I am always baffled when I meet smart, educated, professional, beautiful women who are older and still single, while the men seem to go for the younger, dependent, needy (and yes often ditzy) girls. Wouldn’t a man want an intelligent competent woman to teach his children and who he knows can take care of the family if anything ever happened to him? And the men wanting to feel needed might be part of the communication problem between men and women, with men sometimes communicating to problem solve and “fix it” while women just want to be heard and understood. That doesn’t mean they aren’t needed though. When I feel overwhelmed, I don’t need someone to tell me what to do to get more organized or how to make it all better. I probably know exactly what needs to be done. But its amazing how a simple hug can make me feel like all is right in the world again, or soon will be, and calm the raging storm of emotions. And as far as the women wanting a man who is competent, I’ve been taking care of myself in part since I was 10 and definately since I was 17. If I’ve learned how to survive and do what needs to be done to take care of myself body, mind, and spirit, is it too much to ask for a guy who has taken the efforts to do the same for himself? Which is why I think the popular thought of men “marrying up” in the church is a fallacy. Women deserve to be “equally yoked” with someone and not to have to pull him along to the Celestial kingdom. As far as women underplaying their smarts, I think there are many factors involved including, women value relationships more than competition, so standing out in the crowd as the smartest might not be relationship enhancing, whereas men are often in competition with one another to be the best; women are trained since birth to be submissive and passive and that their value lies in being sexy and beautiful, not smart and competent. I could go on and on, but paperwork calls. Nice article though!
I guess I should stop telling guys about my educational goals? I worked for a prominent female BYU Professor who told me her father said she was, “educating herself out of a husband” when she was pursuing her doctoral degree. How’s that for encouraging?
The truth is, I’d rather be single doing something that really stimulates my mind than stuck in a marriage with a man who makes me feel dependent upon him for everything and/or makes me feel like I’m less intelligent or competent than he is. I’ve noticed that many of my female family members (related by blood or marriage) talk about how much smarter their spouse is, how he’s so much better with money, how he is just so amazing because he can do so many things. And then they talk about how they (the women) are so much less than their husbands in intelligence and competence. I think it’s great to have a sense of respect for the person you’re married to. Awe at their intelligence, even. But that doesn’t have to come at the cost of your own sense of self-worth and respect.
Don’t get me wrong, I would love to get married and have a family. I just don’t want to do that at the expense of my own identity and sense of self. I know that probably sounds selfish, and maybe it is. But I just don’t think I could be a very effective wife and mother if I were constantly belittling myself and my abilities. How would I ever instill a proper sense of self in my children if I don’t have one myself?
PS–I could TOTALLY beat you at Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit. I am the queen of the game. 😉
“men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives.”— Mr. Knightly in the book, Emma
This is true. Unfortunately, men of sense are not all that common…
Rob, KUDOS to you for quoting Emma!! (Another Jane Austen classic – Yea Pride and Prefudice!) Although Chris might not agree. ;0)
I think you definitely want to find and marry someone that is at least as intelligent as you are. I know I like having on my arm a woman that I am proud of and who I can brag about. If she is cute and attractive, that is even more of a bonus. I love telling people how many things my wife has done and how proud I am of her. It bosts my own self esteem to know that kind of a woman was interested in little ole me. Wouldn’t want to marry a ditz, and don’t think a woman should pretend she is one just to snag a man. If a man has to marry a ditz to feel good about himself, he is a sorry excuse for a man.
Well, I have to agree.. I like smart women.
The real problem here is the fact that an article on the subject had to be written in the first place. Its painful that its even newsworthy at a university that educated women are accepted by men.
Thanks for linking to my blog as your source for this article.
Most the bloggers that I know are through the gorgeous Nemesis, which means that most of them are ladies. It’s nice to see another (perhaps almost as geeky as me) bloke in the same blog world as me.
Well, I don’t even know why I am commenting on this, but here goes.
I do not believe I am some genius, but I did great in school. But it’s true, I may have “acted like a ditz” not intentionally, but I do have child like qualities and I don’t feel like I acted stupid (and never on purpose) but I did want to have fun. I know that sometimes it was taken as an “airhead” but in the end, the boys were surprised at how smart I was. I pulled great grades and I *LOVE* to learn. In fact, I still take classes here and there just to keep it alive. (Though with homeschooling 3 kids I am getting a REAL education! LOL)
While men may not want a “ditzy” wife, I do think that EVERYONE enjoys praise. I often do talk about how smart my husband (because he is) and I enjoy how intelligent and witty he is. We enjoy joking around and having fun with each other. Yes, he is my protector (ask any spider) and he does do the finances (and is great at it–even if I COULD do it) and he is a wonderful father.
I believe that Heavenly Father created men and women differently. Many of the differences are stated directly in the proclamation. . .and the responsibilities of men and women. This I think can make couples the happiest.
I am a stay at home mother and wife. There is no being “stuck” for me. Yes, sometimes I would love to go out with friends, or take a class here or there. But the reality is as a wife and mother your career is short lived and worth it. My husband stimulates my mind and we learn many things together.
It breaks my heart to hear so many people in society say that they can make it without the other sex. Just recently I was listening in on a conversation about how men just don’t do anything right, or they dont’ appreciate their wives etc. . .well, if I was talked about like that I might act like the men do! Positive reinforcement works for everyone and that means praising the good in people and seeing the good in yourself. When I was single I remember all the girls that were older than I was just totally tearing apart all the men in the ward. They were angry that I was dating all the “older” men (particularly my husband) since he wasn’t in my “age group” but quite frankly, I wouldn’t date someone who said they don’t need men and that they aren’t worth anything. Just my two cents. I don’t think it’s a matter of being intimidated, I think it becomes a matter of criticism and a “show ’em up” contest. No one likes that, I have been busily teaching that to my eight year old who is ultra smart. People don’t like to be told how much you know. . .that’s not intimidation, that’s irritation.
“Dowd cites a 2005 report by British researchers finding that the higher a woman’s IQ, the less chance she had of having a family.” If this is the cause of all my lack-of-relationship woes, I must be a genius! And not just any genius… I’m talking Steven Hawking and Albert Einstein’s lovechild kind of genius.
I think Rob’s hit it dead on. Plus, it’s a matter of finding a *match*, which is hard enough to do without adding the hope that your match will be both as educated/intelligent (and not necessarily in formal education) and as faithful in the gospel as you are, plus match you in personality.
I can see both sides of it. On one hand, I’ve experienced guys who have actually told me that I intimidate them–but looking back, they were idiots in more ways than one, and I’m glad nothing came of our relationship. On the other, I think that to blame our lack of dating opportunities on men being intimidated by strong or intelligent women sells both genders short. We should be looking for opportunities to connect with each other, not more chances to dismiss each other.
J Alfred: No problemo. Credit given where Credit is due.
It’s nice to have other male bloggers out there.
Melanie: I can see some of your points 😉
Rachel: Well, I think that there are other reasons with the entire boy/girl situation. The awnser? I don’t know!
stacer: I’d agree.