Pappa Hardy's Musings on Life.

I am on a death watch. My family home in Utah is on a death watch. We share the same concern. The person who probably had more influence on my family than anyone else, my mother, is in the last minutes of her life. She has been a stalwart of our family, the one we all turned to when we were young to sooth our hurts. When I was worried about losing my one true love to another, it was her who calmed my fears and assured me that whatever happened would be according to God’s will and would be for my good. Luckily, I got the girl.

She has been the one proud of my accomplishments, willing to brag me up but never to not support me in all good things. She is now fighting for her life, and she will lose. I have no doubt that when the day comes when she is judged according the mercies of almighty God, she will not be found wanting. I love my mother. I wish her well in this new adventure that I only have a hint of.

Tonight we had an experience that I would rather not have seen. On many of the cruises we have been on, there have been very nice people and some not so nice. Sometimes, the tenor of the cruise gets set by this core group of people.

Today has been a day where rudeness has won out. It seems everywhere I was going someone was being rude to someone else. Toping it off tonight was a show in the Princess Theatre. A comedian was performing and doing his best. Even before the show was over, some of the older people were getting up and leaving. The show wasn’t lewd or mean. These people were not thoughtful and considerate of others. Once the show was finished, before the cruise director could get back on stage and close the show, many of the people were standing up and heading up the stairs to the exits. There was no respect whatsoever for the performers or the cruise director, and then a gentlemen yelled out at the top of his voice, before the cruise director was finished, and yelled, turn on the lights so we can see where we are going. The show was preceded by people arguing over seats and in several instances, a man would bully a place for he and his wife from someone else. People were just out of line.

I am afraid this cruise will go down in my books as one where the people were real rude. In my experience, sometimes that is determined by the place where these people are from, but I was ashamed to be on the same cruise with these people. It was really not acceptable.

There was a curious site this morning while I was up on the LIDO deck on Emerald Princess. I was sitting in a nice protected area. We had some pretty rough seas as the wind had been howling and the ship, and its passengers, were being tossed to and fro.

Suddenly, it appeared that the swimming pool adjacent to me emptied its contents in to the air, and then inundated a performer up one deck as well as a whole slug of passengers on the next deck down. People were soaked. I have seen some pretty significant wave action before on a ship but this took the cake. It was kind of funny too.

Today was one of those days when I sat at a window and looked out the window and was transformed into a figure that didn’t do much. I was transformed by the sight of America gliding away underneath me. It was beautiful, seen from 35,000 feet. What a beautiful country we have. Mountains, swamps, snow, plains, cloud banks, and cities were laid out before me. I was moved to tears to see the great land of ours. Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies and Amber Waves of Grain.

Tomorrow I will be going full circle in my life. I started my life living with my parents who so lovingly brought me into this world and then raised me and allowed me to have a family of my own. Now, due to the aging process, they have come to the point where they need my help and my families help. They will be moving back in with me.

We have a full circle of life. We are dependent, then struggle to become in independent. We become independent and struggle to stay that way. Eventually, we become dependent on our loved ones because of age. It is a humbling experience for all of the parties that are part of this great experience that comes to all of the members of the human family. God teaches us in many strange and wonderful ways. I am hoping that I to can measure up to taking care of and loving my parents.

The weather this fall has been so nice. However, all of this nice weather and the golden leaves and the change of the season has been tempered by human winter. I have been, for the last two months, witnessing the death of a parent. In a way, this is a blessing because it prepares me for that inevitable transition to winter in my life.

However, it also makes me sad to know that I am now, at 60, moving to the twilight of my life. I can see that I am less useful, less vital, then I have been before. Those in their middle years look at me as a has been and not able to contribute as I did. I see them overlooking me.

Finally, I know that I am probably never going to be this good again. There is a slow but undeniable move down that long slippery slope to old age and inevitably to death. It is a hard to thing to face sometimes, but a necessary thing. I hope I measure up to that.

My heart was broken today. With my mom’s terminal illness and increasing weakness and inability to take care of herself has come a huge number of new experiences, none of which I have ever wanted to experience. We spend our entire lives acquiring earthly things and establishing a home. We identify ourselves with a location of a building on the face of the planet earth. We make that location into a home, personalizing it with things that identify who we are. We establish relationships with family and people around us. This gives us a feeling of permanency and at times weighs us down because we also drag all of those materialize things with us.

However, it is these relationships and things which help us to cope with the daily fight that challenges us as we live in this world. This home gives us a sense of permanency and defines who we are. Then comes along old age, illness, and the loss of cognitive function. The ability of the family to cope with illness is stretched to the limit. We become unable to care for ourselves because our strength, resolve, and abilities weaken. Sickness overwhelm our wills and the will and abilities of our families, and we fall upon outside medical assistance for help. Care becomes a 24 hour a day requirement. This new required level of care begins to define our home for us.

Because of the limitations of the family to deal with this health crisis, we have called on nursing institutions to help us out. With that comes living where those nursing institutions can play a part in providing care that the family is no longer able to provide. My dad, who has challenges of his own wants to return home with my mother. My dad is not able to provide the 24 hour type of care that will be required. He mentioned to me today, and my mother that he wanted to go home. My mother, probably understanding more than my dad the limitations of the care that he or the family can provide, turned to him and said, “We Have No Home Anymore”. She realizes that she may play out the end of her days in a place that is not really their home. This comment tore my heart. I am looking for alternatives to institutionalized care. I am not sure I will find it.

I received some terrible news on Friday. Early Thursday morning my sister called from American Fork to tell me that my 87 year old mother had been taken into and admitted to the hospital for heavy bleeding.

I spent most of Thursday at the hospital with her and my 91 year old father. She was discharged that day but only after her Gynecologist had set up an appointment with a specialist from the University of Utah in Gynecology/Oncology. That was an ominous referral. On Friday, my wife, daughter Julie and I took my mother and father to Salt Lake to see the physician. Part of the purpose of the visit was to get a biopsy which would hopefully tell us what was causing the bleeding and help us get her a diagnosis that would determine her course of treatment.

During the course of the biopsy, the physician described a “mass or tumor” on her cervix that was the likely cause of the bleeding and indicated that this didn’t look good. This was one of those moments in a person’s life when you face your worst fears. My mom probably has cancer. She has had good health up to now and has lived a long and productive life. However, to know that she might have a condition that might end that life was a great blow to me.

That sounds pretty petty, to be concerned for myself. However, I have always loved and looked up to my mother. Like most of the rest of us, mother’s mean just about everything to their children. I love her and want her to be around forever, to take care of me and my family. The idea that her life might come to an end is a blow to all of her children.

I just speak for myself at this point. I love my parents, and they have always been a comfort to me. She has feed me, has washed my clothes, has rejoiced in my marriage to my dear wife, has rejoiced in her grandchildren. She has rejoiced in my accomplishments and the accomplishments of my children, and she has cried with me when things didn’t go well and we faced challenges. She has been there when I had my heart operated on. She has been there when my children have had their challenges, and has attended their weddings and all the other things that grandmas do. She has a great love for all living things. She adores her dog Tascha, who just happens to really belong to my sister and her family. She has loved each one of us and nurtured us. She is my mother, and if this is terminal, I will miss her terribly. Sometimes life just isn’t easy.

Overall, my 60th Birthday turned out to be a good day. It was a work day so the work place situations dominated. In this time of economic uncertainty, I am grateful for work and the opportunity to support my family.

The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful family, great friends, and a home in which to live. As I embark on the 7th decade there is much to be grateful for, and I have great hopes for the future. I pray that not only my family, but also my friends, my compatriots, this city in which I live, and the country and world in which I live are blessed.

Payson once a year puts on a big feed for the rest of the valley. This event is called the Payson Salmon Supper. We have corn on the cob, a roll, a baked potato with sour cream and butter, Cole Slaw, and a cookie. A lot of these items alone could make a sumptuous meal. However, the star of the show is a huge slab of salmon cooked over apple wood fire.

The salmon is flown in fresh and taken care of by the fire department, which does the cooking. This year and last, I was involved in cutting the salmon up and serving it to the public. I did that for two hours and the smell of the salmon was driving me crazy with hunger. Then, I was relieved and I went and found my mom and dad and the rest of my family. We had the chance to sit down and eat together. It was a huge event, using 4400 pounds of Salmon and the city probably feed 4000 people.

The salmon supper is a wonderful activity. It draws a community together and is a great opportunity to showcase Payson. I am glad that I was involved this year.