Pappa Hardy’s Musings on Life.

Yes, I am a killer. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t plan on doing it. I didn’t want to do it. Nevertheless, I took another life. It wasn’t the life of a fellow human being, but it was the life of a gentle elderly cat, Snowball, a pet who my family and I loved and cherished and played with. He was an obnoxious cat as he went on in his years. If we worked in the yard, he believed, and probably rightfully so, that you had come out specifically to pet him and he was going to put his head down right where you were working and demand to be petted. Forget about planting that plant, or replacing that sprinkler head, you were supposed to be petting and talking to the cat, not that stuff which wasn’t important. When he was younger in Cheyenne, he believed that he was completely invisible, that he could easily hide in Bonnie’s flowers, even though they might be several bright colors and he had crushed them and was a dirty white color.

Snowball was very old for a cat. We adopted him (I should really say he adopted us) in June of 1991 not long after he came into this world as a new and energetic kitten. His special friend was another cat in his litter, a litter born across the street in Cheyenne that lived in the garage/home of Tom and Kathy Rowe, their three children Matt, Sarah, and Lori, and of course the cats. They played, slept in our garage or the Rowes garage, and had a good time. We ended up adopting two cats from the Rowes (dear friends).

He was at various times called That Darn Cat, HIF (aka His Imperial Furiness), Emperor of the Universe, Snowball the Great, and other far too many numerous special names. Gordon felt he was his son. Chris felt that he was one of HIF’s minions (or was it the other way around). To Julie he was kitty, to Brian, who loves all life in whatever form it may be, he was a friend. Michael cared for Snowball too. In his later years, if he got left outside he would cry until we let him back in the garage. He was our cat, and he owned as Robert Heinlien used to say, he allowed us exist to serve him and he owned us.

All of us loved the cat, Julie, Brian, Michael, Gordon, Mom, and of course Chris. I loved him too, even if he was constantly in my way as I was trying to leave in the mornings to go to work. After all, he needed to be fed, and please do it right now. As he was getting older, his kidneys were failing, we thought he might have diabetes as he was having trouble with them, but he could still eat, even if it was soft cat food. He was no longer able or willing to defend his turf (our garage) and I soon came to get hostile with a neighborhood cat that I referred to as “the Evil Grey Cat” who was always trying to get in and eat his food.

He had cat friends. We had a cat named Nermal, a Maine Kohn (sorry for the spelling) who could live anywhere up high. Snowball loved to taunt our dog TB, to chase him, to let him know who was boss. There wasn’t a dog in the neighborhood that knew Snowball that didn’t respect his territory. We had lots of fun with our beloved dog and wonderful have Siamese cat.

As he got older he was getting sicker. The family moved from our home in Cheyenne and he alternately took up a home at Grandma Cox’s in Pleasant Grove until 5 years ago when we finally made a new family home here in Payson. He became more of a home cat, and as he got older he was moving slower, and perhaps that was his undoing today. I only less than a week ago had a heart operation, so I just went to Sacrament meeting today and the Bishop was gracious enough to allow me to go home after the one meeting. Being his counselor I felt I was letting him down. However, I have also been tired and while I am just 57 I don’t feel like moving very fast either just right now. He usually would get up and move when I pulled the car into the garage. Today he didn’t move fast enough.

I guess what really makes me sad was that I had to make the decision to put him down. He was really hurting, and while we might have been able to heal him through surgeries and other medical interventions, he would have been in pain a lot, and his quality of life would have been so limited. It is not often that I can’t control my emotions but today I was hysterical, and I felt so bad. We gave him a proper burial, right near the spot where we laid to rest our beloved pup TB, and today in paradise they are chasing each other. I blessed his final resting place that it would be kept safe from predators or animals that would dig it up.

Yes, I can kill. It was an accident. Heaven forbid that I would, or anyone would ever want to purposely take another life. It is only in the hands of the great creator, our Lord and Savior, to give life and to restore life and to take life. For him, our Creator, I am grateful and it is in him that I have hope that I will be forgiven for this thing that I have accidently done today. I hope my family will forgive me.

Despite my reference yesterday to the Rocket’s Red Glare, and maybe the martial ideas that might represent, I am really a Peacemaker, of sorts. I hate confrontation and always want to make sure that I am getting everything done for everyone. In politics, perhaps that isn’t always the way things come out and happen since sometimes we want to force our position as the one that needs to be adopted, so maybe I am a contradiction, but I still am a peacemaker. Paul McCartney said for in two of his songs:

GIVE ME YOUR HAND I’D LIKE TO SHAKE IT,
I WANT TO SHOW YOU I’M YOUR FRIEND.
YOU’LL UNDERSTAND IF I CAN MAKE IT CLEAR,
IT’S ALL THAT MATTERS IN THE END.

PUT IT THERE IF IT WEIGHS A TON,
THAT’S WHAT A FATHER SAID TO HIS YOUNGER SON.
I DON’T CARE IF IT WEIGHS A TON,
AS LONG AS YOU AND I ARE HERE, PUT IT THERE.
LONG AS YOU AND I ARE HERE, PUT IT THERE.

IF THERE’S A FIGHT I’D LIKE TO FIX IT,
I HATE TO SEE THINGS GO SO WRONG.
THE DARKEST NIGHT AND ALL IT’S MIXED EMOTIONS,
IS GETTING LIGHTER, SING ALONG.

PUT IT THERE IF IT WEIGHS A TON,
THAT’S WHAT A FATHER SAID TO HIS YOUNGER SON.
I DON’T CARE IF IT WEIGHS A TON,
AS LONG AS YOU AND I ARE HERE, PUT IT THERE.
LONG AS YOU AND I ARE HERE, PUT IT THERE.

I want to show people that I can be there friend, and I want to be a friend to people. Another song also showed my feelings, and I really love this song:

BEST THING I EVER SAW
WAS A MAN WHO LOVED HIS WIFE.
IN A PLACE WHERE THINGS WERE GOOD
I FELT PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

OO-OO-

DOO-DOO-DOO,
DOO-DOOT-DOOT-DO.

THAT FEELING IN THE AIR
SOMETHING WAS DEFINITELY THERE.
IT WAS A TIME WHEN THINGS WERE GOOD
I FELT PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

I WAS THERE, I REALLY WAS,
AT THE CENTRE OF A LOVE VIBRATION.
PEOPLE SHARING WITH THEIR FRIENDS.
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.
PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT, OO -

THEN I WOKE UP FROM MY DREAM
TO SEE THINGS AS THEY REALLY ARE.
PEOPLE STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE,
HOW CAN PEACE HOPE TO STAY ALIVE-EE?

DOO-DOO-DOO,
DOO-DOOT-DOOT-DOO.

OOH!

WELL, I WAS THERE…I FELT SO GOOD, (he felt so good)
AT THE CENTRE OF A LOVE VIBRATION.
PEOPLE CARING FOR THEIR WORLD,
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT. (helping each other)
PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.
PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.

OO -
YEAH,
BEST THING I EVER SAW,
I SAW A MAN WHO LOVED HIS WIFE.

YEAH -
OO-OO-OO-OO. (ah-)

PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.
PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.

OO-OO-OO-OO, OO-OO-OO.
DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO - DOO - OO.

PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
PEACE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

I guess maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. I want so much to have good vibrations and no confrontations. I probably would never make a good politician.

I am a sucker for a nice fireworks display. Every Friday night before Labor Day, in Payson, we have the annual Onion Days Fireworks display. We don’t get em on the fourth of July, we don’t get em on New Years Eve, we don’t get em on the 24th of July (a particular Utah Holiday), and we don’t get em any other time, but we do get em on the Labor Day weekend in Payson. This was better than the Beijing Olympics, mainly because each and every one was a real firework rocket in the sky. I guess there is some of the patriot in me, because every time I watch fireworks (and I haven’t met a fireworks display I didn’t like) I get a hot spot in my heart about my country (and that isn’t from my recent heart burning ablation experience). I love this country, and I love the Rockets Red Glare.

Yesterday afternoon at about 5pm I was finally fighting my way back to consciousness. Well, maybe fighting is not the right word. Maybe it was more like slowly coming back to reality. I know that I was in a kind of sleep for a while. The last thing I remembered before that was laying on a table.

They were putting a mask over my face, telling me that they had given me a dose of the good stuff. It sure didn’t take long for a dose of the good stuff to put me to sleep. I was kind of just there, when I finally heard people talking to me and trying to get me to wake up. It was a long slow climb out of the dark into the light.

I finally regained consciousness, to find that they had been in my heart and cauterized one nerve in one location that they felt was the offending nerve. I am hoping that took care of the problem, though my heart has been beating a little strangely in the last 24 hours. I sure hope so, because I don’t want to do this again. The catheter was the worst part.

My generation has often been called the Baby Boomers. I come at the tail end of that group of people, and now is the time when you finally see evidence of our dominance wherever you go, for good or for ill.

Icons of that generation are evident everywhere, and no place is more evidence than at shopping malls. I was in a mall recently and saw prominently displayed pictures of The Beatles, Marilyn Monroe, and Elvis Presley. When one thinks of the 50s and the 60s, those are icons that will forever be indentified with us. It was a great time to be alive and to be young. Now, it is just as good a time to be alive and be old.

However, there will come a time when my generation fades out of the collective consciousness of the masses and they will not remember us like they do now. Our son Michael the other day told me that the last of his missionary companions was coming home. I told him that now Elder Hardy will just become a legend in the Raleigh North Carolina Mission. Soon, people will forget he was there, except for some members who will remember him with fondness. The legend of Elder Hardy will slip away. It is much the same with my generation, the icons and the memories of us will slip away from people and they will hardly know that we were here, unless we make histories and recordings of who we were and hope people will cherish them.

I have to admit, the last few days I have not been sleeping too well. In March of 2005 I wrote a blog entry briefly outlining the fact that I was going to be going in for the first time for a medical procedure that would require that I be put under anesthetic for a significant period of time. At that time it was going to be 1 to 2 hours. I was afraid somewhat then. I must admit, I am afraid a lot more now.

A blog posting or two ago I indicated that I was going to have a procedure that would be tinkering with my heart. This procedure requires that I be out for 4-5 hours followed by a significant amount of time when I will be laying still while I am monitored for bleeding. This is significant stuff, and I am a tad bit more fearful of the unknown then I was then. While this procedure is normally 98 percent successful, there is still that chance that something not as good will happen.

I have a wonderful family. I know that I have a lot of support. That does make it easier for me to face these issues, but still, I am not sure that I am excited about the next two or three days of my life. Life is a series of new experiences and adventures. Some are fun, exciting, and bench marks that you excitedly talk about. This is not one that I am as excited about. I hate meeting these benchmarks in my life.

Last night I was sitting at the new Payson Swimming Pool, just enjoying the nice warm weather when I looked up into the air and saw something that in a round about way gave me a shudder. I looked up in the sky and saw a wedge of wings. There were ducks flying south. They were in such a wonderful formation. Nature can show some really beautiful things to us. However, seeing them move south, even in late August, reminded me that winter is coming. It reminded me that to everything there is a season, to everything a time and place. Yes, there is nothing so constant as change.

Why is it that I love Ice Cream so much? During our recent trip to Las Vegas in the early part of July, I was craving ice cream like never before. Everywhere I turned, people were eating ice cream. Ice cream was being consumed in the buffets. Ice Cream was being consumed in the casinos. Ice Cream was present everywhere and with everyone.

I know part of the reason for me is that it is cold, that it is sweet with lots of sugar (bad of course for a diabetic, which makes it even more desirable because it is forbidden) and then of course, there are so many delectable flavors and add ins that can come with ice cream.

Cold Stone Creameries for me are one place that is great (despite the high price of indulging in eating there). You can have your base ice cream flavor, then mix in various nuts, chips, coconut, brownies, or a host of other things into your ice cream. Of course, for indulging one’s self this way, there is a price to pay. Of course dollars spent is one very important factor, but even more basic than that is the calories and the sugar. The sugar because that causes a sugar high in your blood stream which then makes you want to eat more, and eat more often, and then the calories, because you can gain weight in a hurry by eating one days worth of calories in one 15 minute period. Oh heavenly delight, and vice that kills. I love ice cream, but it really doesn’t return my love in the same way.

My blood pressure has been going up during the last four to five days. I watch that pretty close, and I have decided that the main reason is that subconsciously I am concerned about the fact that some Cardiologist is going to be Tinkering With My Ticker.

I am going to be having a 4-5 hour procedure on Monday morning, followed by laying absolutely still for 6 hours while they decide that nothing more needs to be done. I guess that might cause anyone to have their blood pressure go up. It still isn’t clear to me that I will be awake during this procedure and I think I would rather be put under. However, I indicated in this blog a while back that I am also afraid of that kind of a procedure, so I am in a bit of a quandary right now about the next few days of my life. I guess this growing old isn’t all that it is cracked up to be.

Whenever I am out in public I watch people a lot. One thing I focus in on, mainly because I have the same body build, is how many of us American’s are Fat Dudes. I know I am supposed to be accept who I am, and not be critical of others, but I am that way anyway. Let’s face it, we live in a society where thin is the ideal, it is good, and where it is attractive anyway. I look at guys, and gals, who are thin and well built and covet their bodies.

In some ways, that isn’t so bad because if we are exercise a lot and keep the weight off by appetite control and by work, then we likely are to be healthier and get less weight related illnesses like diabetes. However, we also should not walk around with a boat load of guilt because we don’t meet some imaginary ideal that is being sold to us by people with a product to sell. We have a thin line to walk (get the joke) and we need to be more able to accept who we are, and what we are, and realize some things can change, but some things will never change. U I just need to be the best that I can be.